Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!