If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.