Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes