Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.