You Might Also Like
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already