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feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”