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Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.