Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
You Might Also Like
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR