I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn