In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”