[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”