Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Received some very disappointing news today
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”