[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m being attacked 😭
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile