*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.