After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs