I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job