me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Noah
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor