Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
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[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet