Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
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gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Florida be like…
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*