@dshack8

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

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@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@wendchymes

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

@

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@Sophie2078

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

@JediGigi

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

@djdarrellripley

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

@kevinseccia

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

@sixfootcandy

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…