[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…