“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Goodnight 🐶
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour