Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You Might Also Like
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.