I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
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Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it