I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

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Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”


I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?


Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.


Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.


Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”


The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.


Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin


My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.


My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.