@ham_why

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

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@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@audipenny

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@gvicks

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

@noog

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

@maebemarbles

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

@TheRolo

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

@_SingleBabyMama

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

@Tbone7219

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….