@ham_why
@michaeldean0116 A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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@michaeldean0116 
@audipenny i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
@RikNasty2Point0 Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
@gvicks Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
@noog Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
@maebemarbles *Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
@chopper4jk When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
@TheRolo I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
@_SingleBabyMama After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
@Tbone7219 “My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….