I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
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I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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