@ham_why

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

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@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

@Jordan_Morris

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

@Bedlam_Beersie

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

@QueenVofCoffee

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

@GrahamOfTheDead

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

@minealone6

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

@sara_ashlynn

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

@amentalrecess

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.