I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
You Might Also Like
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.