@ham_why
@Parkerlawyer Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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@Parkerlawyer 
@CarolineCasey I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
@Jordan_Morris I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
@Bedlam_Beersie Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
@QueenVofCoffee Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
@GrahamOfTheDead The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
@minealone6 Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
@sara_ashlynn My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
@amentalrecess My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.