Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.