“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob