God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
what do you want
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.