God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator