@JulianClary

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

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@SCBamaMan

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

@AndyAsAdjective

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

@Lisabug74

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

@scot7a

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

@BombChelleMama_

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

@equinelover137

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

@XplodingUnicorn

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

@1evilidiot

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

@DebasaurusRex

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.