Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.


Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.


I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.


I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks


What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .


A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”


I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned


I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.


Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.


I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.