Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
You Might Also Like
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Air conditioning – not a fan
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too