[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away