Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*