I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
The honesty is refreshing
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Haha! 😂
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Bootstraps
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.