I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
You Might Also Like
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
three things we don’t talk about
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”