“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You Might Also Like
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.