I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.