I beg your pardon?
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Imma just leave this here…………
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow