Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
You Might Also Like
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I unironically love this joke.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now