If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.