Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
You Might Also Like
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.