“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
You Might Also Like
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Employees must applaud the planets.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her