Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness