Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.