My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.