“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
cry laughing at this shit
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation