cry laughing at this shit
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes