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[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
i hate you platonically
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently