Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!