I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.