If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”