Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
How it started How it’s going
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: