I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
dude it’s called proctologist
everyone’s a critic
nobody’s gonna understand
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta