[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Meanwhile in Canada…
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth