me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
twitter is a journey
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Message from the dog groomers
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
i wish we could shoplift online
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.