me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello