Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16